While most of you are likely used to me posting about Great Love and instilling hope and connection between people for a lifetime, here is my anti-post. See, sometimes it is easy to get the impression that I think all Love is good Love and that every relationship should be saved. Not so. Sometimes letting go of your marriage is the right thing to do.
Any time I am fortunate enough to work with people who are looking to save their Love, improve it, expand it or deepen it, I am completely happy and fulfilled in doing that. There are times, however, when a client will come to me and tell me they want help getting out of their relationship and I have to tell you all, there are some darn good reasons for pulling the plug.
Top 10 Reasons To Let Go Of Your Marriage
Here is my top 10 reasons to say “enough!” and get yourself out and back onto the track of self-love without giving up your life and happiness for someone else:
- Your partner is abusive to you or to your children. This is non-negotiable in my book. Staying with someone who hits, belittles or damages you or your kids is not love. You are helping nobody by staying there. Don’t delay. Get help and support and get you and your kids to safety (bring the pets too or get them somewhere else safe). Abuse does not exist in love.
- Your partner is a cheater repeater. If you are with someone in what you both have agreed to as a committed, exclusive relationship, yet your partner has cheated more than once then there is a bigger problem going on. You deserve better. Trust is imperative in a relationship and breaking trust at this level on a repeat case is unacceptable.
- You are staying out of fear. If the idea or the process of divorce is overwhelming you and that is the only reason you are staying in an unhappy relationship, then, please, contact me for a team of resources who can simplify this and help you move on with your life. Fear is never a reason to stay.
- You are staying only for the kids. Yes, I realize there is a lot of research that talks about how bad divorce is for kids. What I want to see more heavily researched, however, is the negative effects of being raised in a household with parents who do not love each other. Kids learn how to have relationships and how to relate to others by what they see their parents do. Growing up seeing (and relating) to being married to someone you do not love or respect is setting your kids up for bigger problems than dragging a backpack of clothes back and forth every other weekend. Don’t be fooled into thinking that two bad parents are better than separate happy ones.
- There are addiction issues. If your partner is actively addicted and not in treatment or you have good reason to believe old addiction issues are rising back up again, then you have a solid reason to go. Addiction is bigger than your relationship. Nobody likes to believe that, but an active addiction is bigger than even the person fighting it. You were not born to be an enabler and it is up the addict to make a change to get well; it is not up to you to stay and be part of the addictive problem.
- Few good days. If your marriage has been more bad days than good days and has always felt like an uphill battle, then why sentence yourself to more life spent that way? If the bad far outweigh the good, then why not give both of you a chance at more good somewhere else?
- You both have made serious efforts to try to save your marriage in the past and they simply aren’t working. There comes a time when you have to call the game over, wish each other well and release each other to better lives.
- Your core beliefs are too different and stopping you from enjoying each other, respecting each other and feeling like partners. For example, if your religious beliefs, political beliefs, or world views are so vastly different that you can’t share what is most important to one of both of you together, then you need to question if this is the right partnership for either of you. You don’t need to agree on everything, but if what you can’t agree on is so big that it keeps you from being able to be yourself or to feel close to each other, then the problem is significant.
- Your partner has taken concrete steps to end it. You have been served with divorce papers and any attempt to have a conversation with your partner tells you that they are done. If they are truly done, then acceptance is your best move.
- You feel 100% solid that you are done. For many people, there comes a moment when they look deep inside and there is a solid, firm knowing that they are just done without any desire to try again. If this is you, and you are staying because you don’t want to “hurt” your partner by leaving, consider the pain and loneliness of living with someone who doesn’t want you and wishes you were gone. If you are done, then be done and honor your partner with their freedom from obligation to someone who doesn’t value them anymore.